the things you learn

This year was about building confidence, learning to depend on people, and about coping.

I learned to be more confident in my own abilities, and to continue to do things outside my comfort zone (from things like guest lecturing to learning a new martial art). Training in karate in particular has helped immensely. I pushed through what I thought were my own physical limits by training hard and learning new skills that I thought I could never do. I taught my first karate class as a brown belt, which was a terrifying, humbling, but fun experience. Karate started as a new year's resolution to engage in more physical activity (and to be able to kick ass, let's be honest), but over the span of two years it's become an important part of who I am. It has given me confidence that has spilled over into other areas of my life, so when I think about presenting my research or confronting someone it's a lot less scary. Do something everyday that scares you, right? I've also made a lot of new friends, and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to go to the dojo and have a community to train with.

I learned to depend on someone else, and to be able to balance being independent and making space for my partner in my life. I can't imagine my life in any other way now. He makes me really breathe, he helps me believe in myself a little more everyday, and most of all he inspires me to be a better person and to go after my passions and goals. I've learned to really love someone without holding back.

I am learning to grieve. I am learning what intense feelings of regret can feel like, and how it feels to have everyone in your family break down and become more vulnerable people. I am learning about closeness and intimacy. I am learning how to support others. I am learning that people can be wonderful and lovely and incredibly supportive. I am learning how to cope when your world seems to have stopped only for you, but has kept on going for everyone else. I am learning to be a stronger person from this, and to accept what will or will not happen.

What's next? I hope to have the courage and confidence to pursue the things I want: to get my black belt in Karate and to continue to train and learn how to teach, to continue to push my physical limits by training for the half or full marathon, to get through graduate school and eventually find employment, to do things that scare me, to travel, and to learn to live as much as I can in the present. 

I know I won't be able to do all those things without you though - my family, my friends, and my partner. Thank you for being there for me -- whether we're training together, laughing over a funny story, dancing our socks off, getting coffee, or being silly -- and holding my hand for another year. I love you.