powerless

Yesterday was one of the few times I've ever felt completely powerless.

We were at my partner's friend's house for a party, and in the ten minutes I was at the table joining a conversation, the words/phrases "who wants to be a pussy," "cocksucker," "are you going to bitch out," "do you still talk to that broad," "she's lost so much weight," "she has a great rack" came out, and one of the people at the table then proceeded to rant about the evils of affirmative action and how it's allowed a "retarded, dumb bitch" at someone's workplace to continue to be employed.

I didn't say anything. My partner didn't say anything either, until afterwards when he took me aside and we decided to go home. I was more shaken than I thought I would be - I hear these kinds of words and these kinds of things said all the time (on television, random people talking on the street), but not in such a hostile manner, and not right in my face. Did I exist at that table as he was saying these things, in his mind? Or did he just not care?

Then I became angry not at my partner for not saying anything, nor at the person who was throwing around these words, but at myself for not standing up to him. Why didn't I say anything? I think partly it was because they were my partner's friends - I wanted to try to get to know them better and I didn't want to stir things up. I'm also a non-confrontational person. But the feminist in me was raging on the inside. I stifled her though, chose to ignore what they were saying, and hoped that I could leave as soon as I could (which I could have done as well, but did not).

I felt powerless to do anything, like my jaw was wired shut and all I could do was sit there and take it, and it's probably one of the worst feelings I've felt in a long time. But this is what happens again and again - people casually tell sexist, racist and homophobic jokes (but they don't really mean them, they tell me), they use derogatory terms to describe people from different groups (but it's funny, they tell me, it's harmless, why are you making such a big deal out of this?), and I can choose to sit there quietly and ignore them, or I can stand up to them and tell them to stop. And this is what I'm going to do from now on, because I refuse to feel this way again.