Early this year I lost my grandmother. Nearly everyday I think about her and everything that I could have done for her before she died. Guilt and regret are not pleasant things to live with, but I am trying my best to cope and change the way I live so that somehow I can make up for the things that I didn't do when she was alive. People ask me if my grandfather or my family have "gotten over it" or are "okay", but I don't think people ever really are. I think you live the rest of your life thinking about that person and everything they're missing, and nothing will ever change that. You just have to come to accept it. My family members are not the most open or expressive of people. But what happened with my grandmother brought us closer together. All of us make more of an effort to spend time with each other now, even when old habits slip. I saw vulnerability, emotion, and resilience in people that I didn't expect to see.
This year I got into conflict with some of my friends who don't have the same values as I do. Many of those fights became quite heated, and it was only until I stepped back that I realized that these were my friends who cared about and respected me and it didn't matter what they did or didn't believe.
I also got my black belt in karate this year. Three years ago if you had told me that I would be competing in tournaments, that I would out-score a person more than double my weight during a sparring match, and that I would be teaching university students karate and women self-defense I wouldn't have believed you. Training in karate has been the best decision I've made so far in my life because it pushed me to do things that I didn't believe that I could do, such as being more comfortable with taking on leadership roles, teaching, and public speaking.
Teaching women self-defense has also inspired me to be a mentor and role model for young women—seeing the women in the course enjoy the course, share their motivation for taking the course, and provide their own insight into the issues of rape and sexual assault was a rewarding experience. As a feminist who has a lifelong passion for issues dealing with gender equality, I am thankful that I can use my martial arts training to reach out to young women.
Karate has also made me realize what my passions are: teaching, and using my skills to educate and reach out to people. This year I taught Psych101, the same introductory psychology course I took during my first year of undergraduate studies. It was extremely stressful and time-consuming to teach a course to 250 students, but I enjoyed every moment of it. It was rewarding to impress students with what psychology has to offer, and to have students tell you that they loved coming to your lectures.
And what do I have to say about the upcoming year?
- I have to learn to accept uncertainty. No matter where my degree takes me (academia, applied research, teaching, etc), I want to take on this uncertainty as a challenge.
- I am determined to have the martial arts be a central part of my life. I want to continue to train in karate and other martial arts (jujutsu, kung-fu, okinawan kobudo), and to teach other people the art.
- I want to enjoy the present moment, and ignore the coulda-woulda-shouldas, and the nagging voice in my head that cares more about schedules and organization.
- I plan to run another half marathon, or attempt the full marathon.
- I want to be kinder to the environment. I have stopped cooking meat at home as a first step!
- I want to love the people around me more fiercely than I ever have before. I want to be less judgemental. I want to take care of them. I want to appreciate their backgrounds and perspectives more.
And that's it! To another year of doing things that I love and doing things that I'm afraid of doing, remembering to put things into perspective, and appreciating all that I have.
